Hermitage: I posted this shit like 3 years ago and it's all totes still true.

So when I'm not on top of the world, joking about porn, or sonicating things in deadly chemicals I like to give advice about getting into grad school. Not because I know so much about it but because I am an atypical student. And by atypical I mean 'has made every letter under the rainbow, dammit.' And the great shiny tower of academia would have you think that you can burn incense, chant prayers, bake admissions cookies and write over-the-top essays and they will simply laugh at your imputence. That is, if they don't smite you.

I remember when I was applying I got my google-fu on daily to see if there was ANYONE and I mean ANYONE out there who was as Stupid As I Was and still got into Holy Graduate School. The advice I received came in 3 varieties:

1. You wish
2. Get a job in industry as backup
3. omg like I iz applying too wit a bad GPA!!! let me kno how it goes, kthxbai

I think the first two demonstrate how a lot of academically minded people are A) arses, B) cracked out of their freaking minds. Industry? Backup? Industrial reps are on much of an ego trip as Academics, let me tell you. That and reps all knew my declarations of love for industry were filthy lies when they saw the CV I crammed onto one page and called a Resume and saw continuous academic research since I was a fetus. But I made it into the ego-filled tower and I have the secret weapon, the move that make academics submit and cry for mercy (tehehe) and it is:

*drumroll* (who said I was mature?)

*no really, drumroll*

RESEARCH!!

Well, duh, seriously. Nothing can compensate for sucking at classes like rocking at benchwork. An important part of this endeavor is not exhibiting what I call 'stereotypical pre-med behavior' (Stereotypical because it's not always true people! I love watching Hopkins as much as anyone!!) Symptoms of which include:

1. Declarations of how much harder pre-med/med school is than grad school
2. Goofing off at work because you only want the name on your resume
3. Rolling your eyes when you do have to do work because you were posting a Very Important Message on the future professional arseholes forum
4. Attempting to bully your PI to work his/her connections to let you shadow a doctor and/or more famous PI

All of these will cause your PI and your labmates to hate your guts. And if PI did not hate your guts previously he/she will due to the sheer inundation of spleen venting that will occur in their office from his/her student's when they even HEAR you so much as THOUGHT about asking for a recommendation. Because having your PI like you is very, very important.

Remember the 3-way Mexican standoff at Club Hel in the Matrix? Think how screwed Trinity would have been if she'd gone solo? Being an atypical student is like being Trinity, having PIs that love you and work their butts off for you is like having Morpheus and Seraph watching your back. But Love is not all you need. You also need to articulate your awesomeness at every opportunity, especially to PIs. Oh, let me use my handy all caps to reinforce:

TALK TO PIs BEFORE YOU APPLY!!!

If they don't like you they just won't answer, there will be no lightning bolt that comes crashing through your ceiling because you interrupted the Holy Ones. More likely they will be 1) ignore you 2) send you a blow-off email such as: refer to my website 3) inundate you with all their papers from the last 20 yrs and ask what you think about them. In all cases they will still recall your name favorably when looking at your application as long as it well-written (no form letter bullshit) and had enough gratuitous flattery about their work. This is very important for Atypical Students because you want as many people to think as many nice things about you as possible before they see The GPA. It's like how SOs do nice things before informing their spouses they are deadly assassins, had an affair, or didn't do the laundry last night. Even then you will still get rejected. I even had one Super University refer me to the local community college. But doing all these things increase you chances of sneaking in the back door. In conclusion:

YES, YES I AM JUST AS STUPID AS YOU. AND I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL. AND IT IS AWESOME!!*