Dear Orphan Article,

For the past approximately eleventy billion years, you have been collateral damage of an epic war between our Awesomesauce lab and GlamourMag. You have been sent across the street to the Big Mansion and had to endure the occupants complaining you were too long, too short, not innovative, too innovative to be believed, and all sorts of fuckwittery. And the cruel, cruel people we were, we didn’t even wipe your tears when you came toddling back. We put you in GlamourPub bootcamp, snapping at you to stand up straighter, display your data more clearly, to tell a more compelling story and forgodssake show them the fucking videos we put together showing how awesome you are.

Figure 1: Declined with reinviation for submission? You're going to go right back over there to show them how awesome you are. And you'd better work. Bitch.

Line break, n00b style.

But it didn’t work. So we just marched right over there and argued with GlamourMagz over all your deficiencies.  We didn’t even bother to cover your ears. I’m pretty sure Reviewer #3 pinched your cheeks until they were red at some point and I didn’t even offer you some Bengay. No one ever stopped to think, how is this making Orphan Article feel? I’m truly sorry for that. But it’s over now, my dear, so we’ll patch you up, put you on a Supplementary Info diet, and ship you back out again. But this time to a gentler, kinder Specialty Journal, that will love you for who you really were. And we’ll all love you just as you are.

While wishing in the back of our minds you’d gotten your shit together, of course.

XOXOXOXO,

Hermitage

P.S. People asked the very valid question of when the fuck is my minion horde survey going to close. I guess I'll KO it next Monday, 2/28 and start compiling the data. So go submit!