Are you a grad student who has illusions of grandeur? A postdoc who aspires to be of the tenured deadwood variety one day? A newbie faculty member who dreams of joining the hallowed ivory tower of the emeritus professor?
If so, it’s time you learned some very important catchphrases that are essential in order to truly succeed in academia. I suggest you print these off and carry them with you at all times so that you can practice them on unsuspecting individuals. It’s never too early.
For ease of understanding, I’ve included the phrases you need to learn, situations in which they are most appropriate to use, and the actual meaning of each phrase so that you can better understand what you’re saying.
1. "My research interests are now focused on X"
A wonderful and all-encompassing phrase. The rough translation of this is "I have no money to do X, I've never worked in the field of X but I'm willing to sacrifice a grad student to get my foot in the X door."
2. "My previous research involved X"
This usually means "I haven't done any research in this century."
3. "I have supervised n=X grad students in the past"
This can be used to great effectiveness with a n00b audience as it conveys what a Prof BigWig you really are. In reality, this actually means "all of my former grad students hate me."
4. "My former postdocs are now in a variety of different positions"
The classic way of avoiding having to say "I completely fucked any chances my postdocs may have had in academia and they're now out of science altogether."
5. "I'm currently working on a paper with Collaborator X"
Priceless and one of my own personal favorites. You should use this phrase when you would prefer not to say that "Collaborator X doesn't speak to me anymore and I've been working on the same paper for the last 10 years."
6. “It’s great to finally meet you”
The literal translation of this phrase is “I have no idea who you are or what you do.”
And finally ...
7. “Wow, great idea. We should get together and talk about the possibility of collaborating on this”
This comes in handy when you’re talking to a trainee or newbie PI who asks you for advice on an amazingly supercool idea they’ve had. It will appease them much more than you blurting out “Fuck, why didn’t I think of that? I need to get my lab peeps on this straight away so that we can get there first. Newbie PI can kiss my furry tenured ass.”
So there you have it. I’ve been practicing these in preparation for when I’m a well-funded, tenured deadwood professor about to embark upon emeritus status. I’m going to be so damned good at this.
LOL - awesome!
HAHAHAAHA, totally!
/files away in the "open when 60" drawer
Uh oh, I already use 1, 2, 6 and 7...
Oh, by the way, ProfLikeSubstance is out of town and I've jimmied open his liquor cabinet. C'mon over.
Thank you for the furry ass visual.
*puts my peach off to the side*
As a real live Professor Emeritus, here are my comments. (1) My research interest has become unfocused. (2)My previous, 1960's, research is now being carried on by people more capable than I ever was. (3) I don't remember. (4) What is this postdoc of which you speak? (5) Got that right! (6) Got that right!, (7) I vaguely recall something like that. I think we got a bunch of papers out of it.
HAHA
Awesome!
Love it!
I’ve been practicing these in preparation for when I’m a well-funded, tenured deadwood professor about to embark upon emeritus status.
Just don’t set the bar too high for yourself, PiT. Haven’t you been paying attention to the tenure discussions? Apparently, deadwood is VERY rare….
@Hope,
PiT says: I’ve been practicing these in preparation for when I’m a well-funded, tenured deadwood professor about to embark upon emeritus status.
You cannot both be well funded and deadwood. Deadwood implied you are not doing anything (getting funding or writing papers or teaching).
I love all about PiT's witty post; but for people who like free associations with random other posts let me explicitly say that the prof described is really not deadwood; rather an egomaniacal and self-important, but well-funded, active, and apparently sneaky late-career PI. PiT's BigWig prof has an active group, big enough and vigilent enough to scoop a noob PI. So no, not deadwood.
I do blurt out "Fuck, why didn’t I think of that? No, really, why the fuck did I not think of that?"
But then my furry arse isn't tenured.
I got some good laughs out of this list. But the fun has only just begun. Have you seen the translation of the phrases used by the shiny new Asst. Prof. (or, a very similar subspecies, the post-doc Asst.Prof wanna-be)? It's amazing how similar the phrases are. The translation goes something like this:
1. “My research interests are now focused on X”
A wonderful and all-encompassing phrase. The rough translation of this is “I’ve noticed that lots of people are talking about X, so I figure if I drop it into enough conversations I might be able to get on the bandwagon without actually having to come up with an original idea myself..”
2. “My previous research involved X”
This usually means “I look back with fond memories to those happy days when my major professor provided me with a research program, so I didn’t have to come up with an original idea myself.”
3. “I have assisted in n=X courses in the past”
This can be used to great effectiveness if you want to make people think you really know anything about teaching. In reality, this actually means “all of my former undergrad students hate me.”
4. “I have considered a career with a variety of different positions”
The classic way of avoiding having to say “I don't really have a clue about how to make a career in science, but I think I might want to try pretty much anything."
5. “I’m currently working on a paper with Collaborator X”
Priceless and one of my own personal favorites. You should use this phrase when you would prefer not to say that “ I drop Collaborator X’s name, but he doesn’t really know that I’m doing so. ”
6. “It’s great to finally meet you”
The literal translation of this phrase is “I have no idea who you are or what you do.”
And finally …
7. “Wow, great idea. We should get together and talk about the possibility of collaborating on this”
This comes in handy when you’re talking to anyone more experienced than you who asks you for advice on an amazingly supercool idea they’ve had. It will appease them much more than you blurting out “Fuck, why didn’t I think of that? It’s an actually original idea!!! I need to get my lab peeps on this straight away so that we can get there first. You won’t mind if I just borrow the idea and take it for a ride around the block, will you?”
GMP, lighten up! I didn’t realize that your real name was Merriam Webster. There are other definitions of “deadwood,”, y’know.
@Hope: GMP, lighten up!
Hope, you sure sound like a dOOdly dOOd. Am I being too emotional for you?
Sorry, cannot lighten up. Capacity for lighthearted humor was surgically removed upon promotion to assocaite prof w/ tenure. Plus your link points to the same meaning of deadwood as in my humorless comment above - someone who's never been productive.
Damn it. I have said far too many of these phrases.
GMP, now you’re being humorless *and* disingenuous. The “deadwood” that FSP is talking about in the post I linked to above clearly produced enough to get tenure way back when. It’s just that in comparison to what’s expected of people today, that aint much.
If by deadwood *you* really mean someone who does absolutely nothing, then no wonder you rarely see them!
“My research interests are now focused on X”
May also be used by tenured well-funded PIs who really want to climb the administrative ladder at their new institution but need someone to keep the lights on in the lab.
I love to watch them use these old phrases. They get this twinkle in there eye as they wax nostalgic about the good ole days. Then they bitch about trying to work the newfangled device called a computer in there office. At my old undergrad, we had a term for emeritus professor's office hours, adult day care.
GMP, now you’re being humorless *and* disingenuous.
Well, thank you for the kind words . I have a few choice adjectives for you, too.
However, PiT's does not deserve this on her blog; it has nothing to do with her post.
If by deadwood *you* really mean someone who does absolutely nothing, then no wonder you rarely see them!
*Sigh.* I am sure that you, being faculty and all, have an excellent grasp of what it means to do this job, what different facets it has, and what it means to be considered productive or not sufficiently productive (a.k.a deadwood) by other faculty. Oh, wait...
So GMP, let’s review:
In your first comment, deadwood means someone who is “not doing anything (getting funding or writing papers or teaching).”
In your second comment, deadwood is “someone who’s never been productive.”
In your third comment, deadwood is someone who is “not sufficiently productive.”
Looks like you’re employing several definitions of deadwood all by yourself!
Sorry, PiT – I’ll stop now. I guess it’s not obvious to some people that sentences followed by a winky-face emoticon are not meant to be taken seriously.
*Sigh.* Note to self: do not engage in pointless exchanges with people who call you names and have decided before the fact that you could not possibly have a point (because of course they know the realities of your job better than you even if they are only an indirect observer).
Sorry, PiT. I am done now.
Wow, nice derail in the comments thread. Why not just duke it out behind the bike sheds after school?
Anyway, re #5 (“I’m currently working on a paper with Collaborator X”
Priceless and one of my own personal favorites. You should use this phrase when you would prefer not to say that “Collaborator X doesn’t speak to me anymore and I’ve been working on the same paper for the last 10 years.”)
I heard a variant on this from a Laureate the other day, "We've been really looking into this and we're hoping to have something published soon..."
...i.e. we have no real data and this isn't panning out but I'm not prepared to give up after all the work/$$$ I've put in...
But yeah, GMPs definition of deadwood is the commonly assumed definition... waste of oxygen desk-jockey with no funding and no active research.
...oh to have more mid-tenure reviews....